I feel your breath across face,
It sighs the morning calm.
I breath into you
As if I were taking a part of you into me.
I want to kiss your lips,
I hold back, you're not mine.

Dammit......why the hell am I so strung up over you.....will someone please tell me why. The biggest and greatest wish I could ever wish for, is for you to love me hard. To look beyond the barriers of our sex and just love me. I say or feel this everytime I fall in love with a girl, because all I ever wish for and wanted to have someone to love and love me back and be together happily plus minus a few hiccups for the rest of our lives. But things never work out or the object of my affection doesn't feel the same way (most of the time).

So i can only wish and pray hard that one day I will have a lover to call my own, she could be you V, she could be you. I sure hope she is you. I tire from all this waiting. You know i love you, i just wish you could feel it too.

Love is elusive to me, like the flight of the wind it comes and it goes. I'm a believer in Karma, so maybe i did something wrong, I wish love would respond. Maybe I finally see that person that you are, or that one of your flaws actually manages to scrap me. I hate that I love you, perhaps it would be better if you hurt me more so I'll wake up from this dream.

if i were to describe you, your personal's description would read like this "24, female, steely demneanour, hard as nails but a true gem beneath the tough exterior" that's if i wrote ure personals ad. Arrrggg i need to pull away from you, you're soooo addictive! I hate the way I love you i really do because it would seem like i cannot have you. Yet i somehow believed in some weird twist of fate or destiny we could've, might have in some other dimension been a really good match. I hate the way i am falling head over stilettoes over you. Gosh I've said it so many times, you're a hard person to love yet arrrgg my mind is becoming drivel....I need you so badly it's starting to get stupid on me. I'm starting to get stupid. Stupid is not good....

I hate yearning, the unfulfillment of dissatisfaction burns. I've always been one to believe in the less you want the happier you'll be. How ironic, because love is the one thing we all need and it is also the hardest to achieve.  I play it cool everytime I am with you, my facade hides away the nervous wreck that I am. I want to save you, but your heart is not open to me. Lover you should've come over.

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I seek solace in these parts, to let my thoughts free. Free under the guise of anonymity. Whoever cares to read, I thank you. The lovelorn, the curious, the couldn't care less and many other species who float by. Sundays night musings are by far the most emotional for me. The whisper of a weekend away from the stresses of life fades away as monday approaches. Like greys clouding over. Yes sunday nights, never a good time for many, I could say this is probably the worst night of every week. Every imaginable negative thought pervades the mind. I'll just let this knaw and settle in my head for abit perhaps it'll be done soon, perhaps....

If only it were that easy....you're not the easiest person to love, yet somehow I am charmed by you. You're the sort I would be easily cheesed off yet here I stand, vunerable before you. 

You know that stuff about asking the Universe what you want and believing that you'll have it, so here I am asking for that one chance to be with you, to make you happy. I'm screaming it out in cyberspace that I love you and I want nothing more than to spend my days happily in love with you and you to me.

I want to believe that this could happen and it will happen. If only you could find it in your heart to give it a try, but you never did. Love wasn't meant to be forced upon, so I'll bid my time. 

I hate myself for being gay sometimes, tho I see nothing wrong with being gay, its so hard to wade through relationships especially when you're in love with a straight woman. But I've seen and heard of straight women falling in love with other women resulting in them turning gay too. I just wish I was as lucky as that. Please please please! I'm making this one big request! Please please please let her learn to love me. Pure and simple, to love me like she would to a cherished life partner, soul mate, lover....PLEASE! 

This blog like many anonymous blogs, stares out into all that space screaming for some audience or at least someone who would identify with them. Well at least that is what i think....

So if anyone or someone or something, tell meeeee what the hell am I doing????

I'm going out with a straight girl, as in I am just GOING out with her, not like dating...we're not even there. I play it cool, cause well I am cool about this, I tell myself "ahhhhh who is she kidding". Despite all her fallacies (well doesn't everyone have them), all her arguments (the constructive kind), I just can't help falling. Why do people dig their own graves? Did I choose to fall? Or am I going through the flow? How many times must person go through this before they get a nervous breakdown.....I wonder.....

I went out with her again tonite and I gotta say I'm addicted to her, I've never been one to chase but I'm chasing a broken dream (at least that's how it seems), once again I hate being in this position (well who doesn't) once again I tell myself why aren't I a straight girl or born a male (life would've been easier in the dating department). She tells me to get over it (yet I'm still trying to win her over) I must be crazy. Crazy enough to try and everytime I would try, try so hard it hurts and at the end of it nothing good comes out.

Not that I don't stay positive, I mean I am sure that there are people out there who manage to win over the loves of their lives. We're not talking about stories you see in the movies or read about but I am sure there are out and I don't just hope, I believe one day my day will come. I love you Victoria, i hate it that I do but I love you anyway....

Normally people would shout hooray for public holidays, days of rest. Not me, not when my mind is idle and it runs to darkest corners. Yes it happens to alot of people and I am not alone on this but it does make one feel very isolated from the world.

Today is one of those days, I sit and stare blankly on my screen looking for anything to fill my mind. Maybe its because I am someone accustomed to a very hectic and crazy life, at least during mondays to fridays. I may dread, dragging my feet up at 7am in the morning but it sure beats spending the entire day idle.

While it may seem nice the first couple of hours it kinda just drags and soon it becomes a pain because negative thoughts just invade my mind. Most negative is the loneliness of not being able to be loved by a partner, I hate to focus on that but somehow it just becomes obvious. Growing up I was never one who could understand the complexities of relationships. I use to chide my best friend whenever she complains about her inability to attract men. i used to tell her whatever the hell is wrong with being single.

Strangely it was only when I met my first girlfriend I slowly start to realise why she was so hellbent on a relationship, while I'm not saying being single is a bad thing, its just that when you finally meet someone who loves you, that connection is utterly unbeliveable. I'm sure many would agree with me and if i daresay, its quite an addictive ride.

So maybe I am addicted to this ride, I guess you could say I love falling in love and the worst thing is I fall easily and its hard to get out of it. I mean I don't want to get out of it if my partner is absolutely in love with me as well but its when I've fallen for someone who cannot love me. That's when things start to turn like a shower of bricks. I know I'm not alone on this but why does it make one feel so isolated.

Who ever you are, who ever you may now be, just who ever...I love you.
Isn't it strange? To tell someone you haven't met that you love them? But you have met them or maybe not. For every love song out there I dedicate this to you. You who will never know me or maybe? I secretly hope...

I wine and dine you, I take you out, I treat you right but you're closed to me. I look hard into your eyes, I see only my hallowed self. My eyes beg, they cannot see your soul. I reach out, you turn away. Yet you treat me right. I love you, yet I cannot own you. I don't know what this is, I'm confused. You've set the record straight, but you spin me around. I still love you. 

My heart glowers, no I'm not having a heart attack. Your prose haunts me, I fall yet again. You told me not to fall, I can't help it. Yet I'm not sad neither am I heartbroken, could it be I could love someone in this odd estranged way?